Through extended periods of time spent in Japan as a result of an ongoing collaboration with the Fujiyoshi lab in Kyoto, the Walz group has become deeply enthralled with the Japanese culture and developed its own blend of US/Swiss/Japanese lab traditions. In our lab society the group leader is addressed as Shogun. The EM and lab managers function as Daimyos; the EM manager being of the joshu rank (castle-owning lord) and the lab manager of the ryoshu rank (lord without castle). The postdoctoral fellows form the Samurai caste. They are allowed to have names and to carry two pairs of tweezers (long ones and short ones) as a sign of their rank in the shogunate. Graduate students and research assistants are considered peasants who do not deserve the honor of a name at this point in their career. Undergraduate and rotation students fall into the untouchable caste and are referred to as Eta Hinin. Among the most notable rituals in the Walz lab we count our version of Yubitsume, which we termed the digital read-out, and our westernized version of the traditional Japanese Seppuku.

Our digital read-out ritual is based on a tradition of the Japanese mobsters, the Yakuza. Should a yakuza fail in his duty to the head of his clan or bring shame on himself in any other way, he will cut off one of his digits to beg for forgiveness for his failure. We have adopted this admirable tradition. In the Walz shogunate every samurai or peasant is obliged to produce a structure of a protein to a resolution of at least 10 Å within a year. Should this duty to the shogun not be fulfilled, the honorable servant of the shogun will remove as many digits from his or her hand as there are Ångstroms above the target resolution. Should the samurai or peasant falter under his or her obligation to the shogunate, the shogun takes personal action and is known to break knees if the situation requires it. The digital read-out tradition has the added benefit for the shogun that he can easily identify the less successful samurais or peasants who may then be subjected to stronger means of motivation.

Should a samurai approach the end of his or her service in the Walz shogunate and not have succeeded to produce results that are considered satisfactory by the shogun or his daimyos, he or she is given the option of an honorable solution. Samurais are allowed to commit seppuku in the F20 room and in general the shogun agrees to serve as kaishakunin, his or her second. The shogun also provides the tanto knife required for the occasion.

In the American spirit of equal opportunity, peasants of the Walz shogunate are also granted the option of ritual seppuku. However, to acknowledge their lower rank, peasants are required to use the smaller T12 room to disembowel themselves. They are assisted by one of the two daimyos. Unsuccessful eta hinin are usually not given the option of an honorable death and are simply executed by a samurai in the CM10 room.

The Walz shogunate has introduced some changes to the traditional Japanese seppuku. Rather than a death poem, the parting servant is expected to author a last scientific manuscript, somewhat extending the duration of a seppuku in the Walz shogunate. To account for this modification, the traditional two sips of sake before the disembowelment have been substituted by two cases of Samuel Adams Boston Ale.

It should be noted that the shogun is also prepared to face seppuku. Should he fail to be promoted to fully tenured professor at HMS, he is determined to commit jumonji giri, the most honorable form of seppuku, in the center of the HMS Quadrangle. The shogun wishes, however, to make it clear that his seppuku will not be his admission of defeat, but should be regarded as his way to express indignation with the decision made by the ruling body of HMS.

On this note, the shogun wishes to express his enthusiasm for applications by courageous and committed candidates interested in replacing honorably retired samurais or peasants. Recruitments to the shogunate will continue until karma has decided the fate of the shogun.